"There is love of course. Then there's life, its enemy."
Yesterday I said that I wasn't going to narrate. I've changed my mind a little. I'm going to give a brief synopsis of what events occurred that will help fill in the gaps. After I've gotten through all of the installments I will summarize my thoughts and feelings. (I will admit right now that re-reading these have had more of an affect on me than I was hoping for!)
Kicking off the second installment, Paul and I have just returned from a weekend trip to visit my family in Grand Junction, CO. Bear in mind that I'd only come out to some of them a few weeks before. So there I was returning to introduce Paul to them. I underestimated what a stressful weekend that would be.
I have to give credit to my family though. They all handled it remarkably well for the most part. I think my expectations on them of accepting everything about my life was very aggressive, unrealistic and at some points antagonistic. So if I have any family members reading this; consider this my mea culpa.
On to the story:
Sunday Feb. 27, 2000
I just wanted to let you know that I did have a great weekend. Yes, it was draining and often uncomfortable, but always fun and interesting. I am happier than words can express. I have come to know you very well, and this is only because you've let me. Thanks for opening up to me.
Well, good luck with your interview tomorrow, I'm sure you'll do great. I love you and I'll see
Monday Feb 28, 2000
I’m glad that you had a good weekend. I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing time I had. It was so nice to have both lives finally start to mesh. It's stressful yet so relieving all at the same time. I understand that it was probably stressful for you at times. I think this is still part of the awkward stage of our relationship. I have to keep reminding myself that we haven't even been together for a month yet. I feel totally comfortable around you and have no problems opening up. I hope you feel the same.
My interview was not really an interview. It turned out to be just an aptitude test to see if I could read and comprehend. Ends up that I can, so hopefully I'll get an appointment next week for a real interview. It was an interesting experience.
My stepbrother got in a car accident this afternoon, so I was summoned to go to the hospital. I was at Swedish most of the evening and just got back home with my stepdad at 9.45, I'm tired.
I need to talk to you about future living arrangements. It sounds like on this end that I will be moving out sooner than i expected, so we need to discuss if we want to have any future plans. I'm quite serious about this by the way.
I hope you had a good day at work. I’m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I missed you today. It will be good to have some one on one time. Well, I'm going to run. Love you!
Tuesday Feb 29, 2000 (leap-day)
I always spend half the time it takes me to write an email, just filling in the "subject" part. I think I'm the luckiest guy in the whole wide world.
I've been reminiscing on the past weekend. Now that I've had even more time to think about it, I really did enjoy myself. Your relatives are really cool. Your cousins made the drive so much fun. It's funny, in life there are many occasions which arise that make you apprehensive, but once they've happened, they usually have the best memories.
I'm glad everyone in your family took the news well, if not good. I know not everyone knows, but they will all still love you just the same. One thing is for sure, your family is very smart and they know how to do well by you.
I hope that your stepbrother is doing well. I will pray for him and for your family. It's sad that it takes such serious things to happen in order to realize how much you value family. Well, it's that way for me, anyway.
It's a little odd to me that we've really only been together less than a month. Although, I never really based how well I know someone, or how I feel about them for that matter, off of how long I've known them. Although many of my friends do, and it's ok if you do too.
I, of course, listened intently to everything you said while we were with your family. Never really eves dropping, except once when you were talking to your grandma, and only then for a second. Also, if I ever tell you anything you really didn't want to know, sorry!
You don't need to say sorry to me for many reasons. One, everyone makes mistakes. I will never judge you or look down on you for ANY mistakes you make. I have imperfect eyes; they see you, who is imperfect, perfectly. It doesn't make sense to me when you say, "sorry." So please don't, I love you unconditionally. (I hope you can love me despite my horrible spelling.)
So,as I was listening to things you were saying this weekend, there were a couple of things I picked up on. First, your faith issues, and second, your living issues.
Where are you in your faith right now? You know how I dreamt of you being taken from me, well I haven't had the one on your faith yet. I'll be honest, if anything had the chance of taking me from you, of all things in the world, my faith would be the only one that possibly could. That may scare you a little to hear that, it may also sound familiar. Well, I want to address it. You and I have many things in common, one of those things is the fact that we both had strong faiths before we entered this period in our lives.
I even incorporated it into my philosophy paper I had to write tonight. I asked the question in the paper, "How do I know that I am leading a good life?" Not an easy question to answer. Well, what that all means is that I have found a place for you in my life that is virtually untouchable by the side of my faith that knows homosexuality is wrong.
Now be careful, don't read into the previous words, what is not there. The fact of the matter is that I love you. I love you more deeply than I have loved anyone in this sense of love, before. Many cultures have more than one word to describe love. There is love for your family, and brotherly love, and there is also true love. The kind of love written in songs, the kind of love that has been contemplated since man existed. The first kind of love, passionate love. It gives me confidence and strength.
When you whispered in my ear, "If this is what love is like, I don't know why I wasn't doing it a lot earlier," that summed up exactly how I felt. You spoke to me in words, but you also spoke to me with your heart. Often the heart cannot express what it is feeling, and when the words come out it never sounds right, but your heart communicated directly to mine. They spoke directly in their own language. I knew what you were saying, I felt it. I want you to feel confident and strong and to feel deeply loved.
Know that you have me.
Laugh at those thoughts that distance us.
There are two things in this world which I will die for now, my faith in Jesus Christ, and my love for you. I hope these words are sparking the, "what a beautiful relief," button and not the, "oh boy, too attached, too attached," button. See, no matter how much I sometimes want to, (and I never do when I am in my right mind), I can't read your mind. Where are you in your faith? I realize that this may be pushing a little. It is only out of love, and because I know you can handle it. Please be careful reading the words I just wrote. They mean what they say, little more, and little less.
On the next subject, living. I heard you saying to your family, "I might live with Charlie next year." Well naturally, I was thinking, "Why is he saying that?" "Maybe he wants to live with Charlie." "Maybe he's just saying that for his family." "Maybe he doesn't see living with me as a possibility." Then we realized that Charlie will have to live in the dorms next year, so that became less of an option. Well, I don't know how it will work, especially earlier than August, but I want to live with you. I don't want to live with other friends, or my parents, I want to live with you. I know that our rough weekend two weekends ago brought that a little in to doubt. We handled it perfectly though, as soon as you saw it as a problem (our heavy physical and low mental/social aspects) you addressed it. It defined quickly a much more healthy and stable relationship, one that will last much longer.
Living with you would be great. We still have much to learn, but given that we handle each situation as well as we did the last, they shouldn't be a problem. So live with me. Yes, it's a little scary, but there would be something wrong if it wasn't. I was even across the street at my friend Leigh's place, looking at places to live next year.
Are you coming over Tuesday night, tonight? I hope you still are. I love just being with you. I want to rest with you forever in front of a warm fireplace. I thought lots about that this weekend.
If you get that job with United, do I get to travel with you for cheaper than normal?
So until we physically meet again, good-bye and I love you.
Wednesday March 1, 2000
I can't quite figure out where to start or even what to say. Last night was very different for me. I didn't sleep a whole heck of a lot and I was fairly distracted all day today. I was tired last night, that's for sure, but I remember the feelings that I had. It's not something that I necessarily want to write about in an email. I'd rather talk to you about this in person.
I will tell you a few things. First of all some of your questions really made me wonder about the trust that you have for me. I was, to be honest, a little hurt at the notion that I would go and sleep around while we are dating. I thought you knew me better than that.
As far as commitment goes we are apparently on different pages. I'm not at the same level that you are and frankly that concerns me. Not at the level that I'm at but the level that you are willing to go already. I feel that you are definitely not being that logical about this and that scares me. We have only been dating for almost a month now, and that is not enough time to really get to know someone. I am enjoying the process but to say that I'm totally willing to be with you for the rest of my life . . . I can't say that, not yet anyway. I hope someday that I can, but that will have to be a natural process.
I hope that this doesn't stress you out. I am being honest with you. If you are expecting more out of me, I'm sorry. I am giving you all that I know how to give right now. It's scary enough for me as it is. I've never been in a relationship like this. I really hope you don't say things like this just to push my buttons or just to get a reaction out of me. If so, I would be very hurt and upset about that. Not cool.
There are still issues in our relationship, like faith, that we haven't addressed really and that is absolutely something that I’m going to have to resolve with you. Also, I know very little about your life. I realize that the circles that you hang out in are different and don't mix, but I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I know where you stand on that and that also scares me, so, there are things we need discuss.
I've said more already than i intended. I'll sign off for now.
Regardless, I've loved the time that we've spent together and I still love you and want to work through this. I’m not throwing in the towel by any means. I'll talk to you tomorrow.